Dissolve
by Thyme In Her Eyes
Summary: You haven't dissolved yet... Cloud speaks, at the City of the Ancients. [Cloud x Aeris]


Dissolve

by Thyme In Her Eyes

_Author's Notes_: Nope, still don't own it. Anyway, this little story is another shortfic, this time with a Cloud/Aeris feel to it. I'm sticking with a tried-and-true theme with these two (Cloud reflecting at the City of the Ancients), and just giving my own spin on it, because I was in a bit of a weird "extended metaphors, yey" mood and this piece reflected what I wanted to express. Again, this is taps into a more visual vein now and then, but I've tried to keep close to the character nonetheless. This is told from Cloud's perspective, and is set sometime shortly after the game. I hope you enjoy it, and please do give me some feedback. You know every author craves it.

-- DISSOLVE --

By cowardice or courage, I found my way back to this scene. This is the place. I wish I could make sense of it. I just saddled up my chocobo one afternoon and rode off, not really knowing where I was going, and somehow I ended up here with you. I think I knew deep down where I was going, who I wanted to see, and what I wanted to say, especially towards the end. You see, I had it all figured out, so don't worry about me wandering around clueless or anything. The only problem is that it's far too easy to forget why I ever came here in the first place, to let my motives melt into the emotions you've unknowingly stirred up.

Part of me came here to explore the ruin – this is where everything started falling apart for me, part of why I crumbled so easily later on, and I wanted to see the damage that was done, and what survived. I had to come here to find out. I guess I wanted to test myself, find out how vulnerable I am to the memory. I wanted to walk through this lonely place without fear. And…you. I wanted to talk to you.

I don't really know where to start…I guess I ought to tell you that everyone's okay, that we're all doing fine. The world's changed a lot since you were alive, so we've been busy keeping up with things, but we're managing. We're doing alright. I guess you always knew we would.

You know, Aeris; it's so funny…travelling up here, I had so much in my head, so much I wanted to tell you but now it's all just dissolved into this feeling, this emotion that I can't properly put into words. I guess I haven't changed that much, right? I think I better just dive right into it, tell you whatever's in my head, trip over every significant thing I wanted to say and jam my foot in my mouth nice and tight. Hmm…I know you'd probably dissolve into a fit of giggles over that, and seeing as today's your day, I'm more than ready to give you the satisfaction of that.

It's been a while, hasn't it? Sorry I've kept away so long, but I've been thinking of you. I hope it hasn't been too long since you've had a visitor – I don't know when and if the others come round here, but I like to think that they do every now and then, when they can spare the time. I know you'd like that. I know you're probably hoping like crazy that we don't forget you. Don't worry; I promise you we won't. You know I won't leave anyone behind no matter what, and that includes you, Aeris. Especially you.

Um, Tifa says hi. She's sorry she never stops by here. She never tells me the reason, I think because she wants to spare my feelings, but I know it's because she still misses you, and coming here'd get her too upset – you know how she is. Besides, she prefers to remember you the way you were, alive and laughing. She feels a bit guilty over it, but I know you understand.

I'm kind-of like that myself. I don't like keeping to anniversaries – it's better to think of you while doing the everyday stuff, or thinking of you somewhere where we had fun and where you were happy, or just remembering something you said or a particular look you had on your face. Whenever I hear the sound of fireworks exploding in the distance, I remember your face.

To be honest, I'm scared of what remembering you in a place like this will do – that it'll change my memory somehow, turning you into something formal, a sad figure in my past, or just a symbol of…something. I never want that to happen. I want you to stay as you. I think you agree with me, wherever you are; the memory of you is a tough, stubborn thing, always resisting, always putting up a fight, refusing to back down, conform to change or hide away. But that doesn't make me sad. The opposite, in fact. It's like a part of you won't ever really die or disappear into the past.

But I'm still here, aren't I? I came here, whether I wanted to or not. Even though this place isn't where I like thinking of you, I'm still here. I guess I couldn't help it. The city called to me, like your memory. It refuses to be forgotten.

It's strange being here. It was strange travelling here too, leaving behind the bright, trembling world for the desolation and hopelessness of this last Cetran city. I'm far more spiritual than I used to be, but this city still sets me on edge, makes me uneasy. It's too much. It's like descending into the unknown, the forbidden. You can tell how deep you're going by how everything changes around you. But I made it; I'm here in the deep element now.

You want me to tell you about it, about what it's like here? You always did love beautiful places, you always had a connection to the life there… You were always so _visual_. I think that seeing all the strange new places was one of things you liked best about travelling with us. So, I'll try to tell you about here, what I'm seeing.

The sun shines blue here. I don't really know why that is. Everything's blue in this place; all watery and fluidic and deep. Even the light is sad. It angles through the ivory trees, onto your lake, maybe especially for you. Even the air is different – it's still, but not stale. Human air doesn't seem to exist in this place – nothing here is for us humans. You breathe differently here. It's forever quiet here, forever still, forever dead. Vague senses are maps now. The past is still alive here – no-one can tell the memories here when the future will begin. Everything around me is made of fossilised shell, dead reef and coral, stone and bone.

That's the reason I don't come by as often as I'd like (you know I'm sorry about that, right?); because I don't like the idea of leaving you here afterwards, all by yourself. It doesn't seem like your kind of place at all. It isn't alive, isn't blooming…it's just a tomb. Even the first time I came here, when you were still alive, it made my skin crawl with this sense of foreboding, of feeling something terrible about to happen. There are so many secrets here, so many mysteries written on the walls, but they're enclosed in themselves, too private for me to ever understand them. I know I don't belong here. I'm only human, after all. I can feel the city and the memory of your people telling me so, and asking me to leave – to leave you all in peace, privacy and your place in history. To let this city vanish again, and you with it.

That's another reason why I don't like remembering you here – your Cetra blood always cut you off from the rest of us, made you lonely in a way I couldn't understand. You were always kind-of alone, weren't you? Maybe that's why you liked being around people so much. I…I had a lot going on back then, but I'm sorry I couldn't do anything to help. You know I wanted to be there for you, right? You were always distanced from the rest of us in spiritual locations like this, always a bit out of reach, no matter how cheerful you were. That's why I have a hard time coming back here, thinking of you here…to me, ancient and sacred Cetran grounds just mean losing you. This one especially.

Don't worry, I'm not making myself miserable over this – I know you wouldn't want that, that you'd probably get annoyed at me for it. I let go of that grief a long time ago, because it held me back from giving my all in the final battle. It was time to move on, and I believe in that now, rather than clinging to the past. But there's still an ache in the space my heart was willing to make for you, now that you're not here anymore. I still miss so much about you, Aeris.

I don't know how to say this. I don't know if you ever guessed, or knew this all along…you knew I was in fragments when I met you, and you tried to help with that. Even though those fragments have been pieced back together now into a bigger picture, dissolved into the rest of me; those parts of me, the parts that came to know you…that part of me really loved you, Aeris. More than I was capable of knowing, understanding, or expressing at the time. I know it was only there in bits and pieces, but it was real, and I truly hope you knew that. But you were always so insightful, like you could guess at every thought in my head, so I'm betting you did know in your own way. You were special like that. And it makes me happy to think you understood what I was feeling, and that you knew for your own sake. I hope that knowing that made you happy. That knowing it now still makes you happy.

I know you're still here, in your own way. I still feel close to you. Maybe in the same way you felt close to the Planet, a sense of something no-one else could see, but was still there. I don't really know how to explain it…

You…you haven't dissolved yet. You're not just another piece of the past. You make history as thin and insubstantial as a spider's thread. You're still here with me, with us, just like you've always been. That's so like you, isn't it? You could never dissolve, never blend into a crowd, never be forgotten, never be confused with anyone else, never be the slightest bit less individual – even in the Midgar slums, with the Turks chasing you, you just had to look as conspicuous as possible. Makes me grin thinking about it.

It's a good thought, isn't it? That even though your body will dissolve over time, just like your soul dissolved into the Lifestream, and your spirit dissolved into us so that you were so close we couldn't see you, you'll never completely dissolve. There's a part of you that's impervious to that process. Maybe it's easier to let go and imagine you dissolving into greater things we can't possibly understand, but you were always too passionate, too outrageous, too tender, too individual, and too _alive_ to ever dissolve easily.

It's funny – when I first came here, there was so much on my mind, so many things I wanted – needed – to thank you for. I mean, we owe you everything. But right now all I can say is _Thank You_. Thank you for never dissolving.

I'm thankful for that, Aeris. I always will be. Just as I'm thankful that even though you're lying deep beneath the blue stillness of that lake, long before your time, your sleeping face is still staring up at the sunlight.

-- FIN --


End file.
